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A 32 bit patch for a 16 bit GUI running on an 8 bit CPU controlled by a 4 bit OS written by a 2 bit company that can not stand 1 bit of competition.

A baby first laughs at the age of four weeks. By that time his eyes focus well enough to see you clearly.

A bad Scrabble player: Inconsonant with bad vowel movement.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain)

A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.

A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs.

A child of five could understand this! Fetch me a child of five.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

A Clean House Is A Sign Of A Misspent Life

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

A company is judged by the president it keeps.

A complex system that doesn't work is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that worked.

A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.

A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.

A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.

A day without sunshine is like, night.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to Antarctica in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down. - Robert Benchley

A failure will not appear till a unit has passed final inspection.

A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject. - Winston Churchill

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

A fool and his money can throw one heck of a party!

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.

A good example is the best sermon.

A good memory does not equal pale ink.

A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. - William James

A guy has to get fresh once in a while so the girl doesn't lose her confidence.

A hard thing about business is minding your own.

A harp is a piano with no clothes on.

A high tide lifts all boats, except those with a big gaping hole in the bottom.

A Husband Is Someone Who Takes Out The Trash And Gives The Impression He Just Cleaned The Whole House

A job is nice, but it interferes with my life.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Of course, so does falling down a flight of stairs.

A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.

A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000-word document and calls it a "brief."

A lie in time saves nine.

A lie stands on one leg, truth on two.

A Life? Cool! Where can I download one of those from?

A little ignorance can go a long way.

A lost ounce of gold may be found, a lost moment of time never.

A man caught up with this world is not ready for the next. - John Blanchard

A man does what he must - in spite of personal consequences, in spite of obstacles and dangers and pressures - and that is the basis of all human morality. - John F. Kennedy

A man doesn't automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and gets to bed at night, and in between he does what he wants to do.--Bob Dylan

A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two things: 1 - Women, 2 - Fractions.

A man who throws dirt loses ground.

A man who turns green has eschewed protein.

A man with a watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never sure.

A man's best friend is his dog. ...assuming you want a friend who messes on your carpet and drools on your newspaper.

A man's best friend is his dogma.

A man's house is his hassle.

A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that is not there.

A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.

A Messy Kitchen Is A Happy Kitchen... And This Kitchen Is Delirious

A mind is like a steel trap: Rusty, and illegal in 37 states.

A mouse is just an elephant built by the Japanese

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the rear.

A PBS mind in an MTV world.

A penny saved is ridiculous

A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a scapegoat.

A pessimist is a man who looks both way before crossing a one-way street.

A pint of example is worth a gallon of advice.

A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something to stick in his mouth.

A plucked goose doesn't lay golden eggs.

A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.

A programmer is someone who solves a problem you did'nt know you had in a way you don't understand.

A proud man is always looking down on things and people: and of course, as long as you are looking down, you cannot see something that is above you. - C.S. Lewis

A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.

A recipe for having friends: Be one.

A rolling stone gathers momentum.

A rose by any other name would stick you just as bad and draw just as much blood when you grab a thorn.

A seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago.

A smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.

A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.

A smooth sea never made a skillful sailor.

A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

A stitch in time saves nine.

A stitch in time would have confused Einstein.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

A termite walks into a bar and says, "Excuse me, is the bar tender here?"

A thing not worth doing isn't worth doing well.

A topologist is a man who does not know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a Unicorn.

A truth told with bad intent beats all lies you can invent. -William Blake

A used car is not always what it's jacked up to be.

A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.

A vibration is a motion that can't make up its mind which way it wants to go.

A waist is a terrible thing to mind

A waist is a terrible thing to mind.

A wise man can see more from a the bottom of a well than a fool can from a mountain top.

A woman never shot a man while he was doing dishes.

A word to the wise is sufficient, but who can remember the word?

AAAAAA (American Association Against Acronym Abuse Anonymous)

Abdominos: Sit-ups & pizza

Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.

According to the Academy of Incomplete Research, 9 out of 10.

Action speaks louder than words, but not nearly as often.

Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.

Adult child of alien invaders.

After all is said and done, a lot more is said than done.

After all that work, Alex Haley found out he was adopted.

After an access cover has been secured by 16 hold-down screws, it will be discovered that the gasket has been omitted.

After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?

After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed.

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat itself.

Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Ah! But does a half-dead cat have Buddha Nature?

Aim for the stars. But first, aim for their bodyguards.

Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

Air Pollution is a mist-demeanor

Alan's Motto: It's easier to make true enemies than true friends.

Alan's Second Law: Never eat anything bigger than your head.

Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.

Alia jacta est. (The die is cast.) - JULIUS CAESAR after crossing the Rubicon

All bicycles weigh 50 pounds: A 30 pound bicycle needs a 20 pound lock. A 40 pound bicycle needs a 10 pound lock. A 50 pound bicycle doesn't need a lock.

All great discoveries are made by mistake.

All I want is less to do, more time to do it and more money for not getting it done!

All men dream; but not equally. - T.E. Lawrence

All of me is beautiful and valuable...even the ugly, stupid and disgusting parts.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

All people have fears, but the brave put down their fears and go forward, sometimes to death, but always to victory. - motto of the King's Guard in ancient Greece

All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.

All requests for sick leave must be approved two weeks in advance.

All that glitters has a high refractive index.

All things are possible except skiing through a revolving door.

All true wisdom is found on t-shirts.

All truths begin as blasphemies. - GEORGE B. SHAW

All warranty and guarantee clauses are voided by payment of the invoice.

Allow me to introduce my selves…

All's well that ends.

Almost anything is easier to get into than out of.

Always draw your curves then plot the readings.

Always give 100% at work: 12% Monday; 23% Tuesday; 40% Wednesday; 20% Thursday; 5% Friday

Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

America still has more marriages than divorces...proving that preachers can still out-talk lawyers.

American justice is directly proportional to the amount of money you have and who you know.

Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.

An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.

An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile hoping it will eat him last. - Winston Churchill

An apple a day keeps the doctor from having to remind us that he has not made a house call since 1966.

An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

An authority is somebody who can tell you more about something than you really care to know.

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday did not happen today.

An honest politician is one who, when bought, stays bought.

An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.

An idealist is one who, on noticing that roses smell better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup.

An object will fall so as to do the most damage.

An old young man will be a young old man. - Benjamin Franklin

An optimist is a person who thinks humorists will eventually run out of definitions of an optimist.

An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.

An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance.

An unbreakable toy can be used to break other toys.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

Anarchy is better than no government at all.

Ancient Chinese Curse: May all your wishes be granted.

Ancient Chinese Curse: May you live in interesting times.

And so we plow along, as the fly said to the ox.

Any circuit design must contain at least one part that is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three parts which are still under development.

Any day above ground is a good day.

Any effort that has self - glorification as its final endpoint is bound to end in disaster. - Robert M. Pirsig

Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain and most fools do. - Ben Franklin

Any given program will expand to fill all available resources.

Any given program, once running, is obsolete.

Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner.

Any love you can buy won't be worth the price - Justin Johnson.

Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Any product cut to length will be too short.

Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated way.

Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.

Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.

Anyone who says he is not going to resign, four times, definitely will.

Anything free is worth what you pay for it.

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

Anything that can go wrong will go wrong, and at the worst possible time.

Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.

Anytime you wish to demonstrate something, the number of faults encountered is proportional to the number of viewers.

Apparently a teacher has been arrested in possession of compasses, protractors, and a straight edge. It is claimed he is a member of the Al Gebra movement bearing weapons of math instruction.

Archeologist: A man whose career lies in ruins.

Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?

Around here they treat me like a mushroom. ..they keep me in the dark and feed me.

Art upsets, science reassures. - GEORGES BRAQUE

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity

As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.

As a goatherd learns his trade by goat, so a writer learns his trade by wrote.

As expected, the victorious candidate in a particularly dirty recent political campaign, won by a mudslide.

As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality. - Einstein

As I said before, I never repeat myself

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...that you're not here to ruin it for me.

As you walk down that great highway of life, ask yourself one question: Why don't I own a car?

Ask me about my vow of silence.

Ask not what your country can do for you, ask who you can sue.

Aspire to greatness. But remember that no one ever assassinated a refrigerator repairman.

At 20 years of age, the will reins; at 30 the wit; at 40 the judgement. - Benjamin Franklin

At my age, i've seen it all, done it all, heard it all...I just can't remember it all

Atheism is a non-prophet organization

Auntie Em: Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.

Automobile: A mechanical device that runs up hills and down people.